IN ASSOCIATION WITH

What happens when a child loses someone they love?

Just like adults, children and young people can have powerful and contradictory emotions when they face loss and grief. Whilst it is alarming it is a natural process.

These feelings might include numbness, anger, fear, sadness and pain. Many changes in behaviour are also normal. Some people also describe physical feelings. Grief can affect different people in different ways.

A child’s understanding of what is going on will depend on their age and maturity. Even if a child is ‘too young to understand’ they will pick up on the emotions of the adults around them.

Children and young people can be supported but no one can take their grief away. Protecting them from their emotions will delay the grief rather than take it away.

Children and young people may deal with their grief as if they are ‘puddle jumping’ and may move quickly from intense moments of sadness to feeling lighter.

How can I help?

Ask the child or young person about how they would like to be involved. It is natural to want to protect children and young people from the pain of seeing a loved one ill or dying but this can lead to them feeling shut out. So ask and keep asking about what they want.

Give them enough information so that they can make a choice about what they might do without burdening them.

Do not protect them from the reality of what is going on, a child needs to be supported to come to understand that the loss has occurred so that they can begin to grieve. Denying the loss will delay the grief. Children may also need to go over things again and again, this can be painful for family members who are grieving themselves.

Accept the feelings that she or he has and allow them to express any emotions. This can be hard for surviving parents who become the target for the child or young person’s anger and frustration.

Allowing them to talk and keep talking can be one of the most powerful ways to help them work through their grief.

Help them to get used to the way that life has changed. It can help to keep things the same whilst recognising that life can never be the same again. It can take a long time for this transition to occur. Try not to make too many major changes in their lives on top of the loss.

If questions go unanswered then imaginations can run riot. Try to give honest and sensitive answers to his or her questions.

Help them mark significant dates by lighting a candle, planting a tree or visiting the grave.

Make sure that the child or young person’s school is aware of the situation as this will help them to offer support and understanding.

Grief can affect self esteem so it is important to do things that will boost your child’s self-esteem.